Our Path of Freedom
by bangtancat
Summary: Life is generous. Life brings us happiness, sadness, friends and enemies. In the end we all have to deal with ourselves.


Our path to freedom

Prologue

 _It's getting dark, the light in my future._

Some people are born with the blessing to be unbelievably lucky in life. They are happy, they are loved, they enjoy life. Some people however… are not.

Some people are haunted with so much bad luck that it was hard to imagine. Some people die young, some have incurable illness, some live under violence at home, some live on the streets, not knowing if they'll survive until tomorrow. And then there's us. The ones where you can see no problem at all. But if you take a closer look… you can see the endless chaos inside. Because the roughest times in life are when you're alone.

 _Why am I in love alone, why am I hurting alone? Why do I keep needing you when I know I'll get hurt? It goes round and round, why do I keep coming back? I go down and down, at this point I'm just a fool. It's definitely my heart, my feelings, but why don't they listen to me._

You try to tell yourself that everything will be alright. But your soul knows damn well. And you try to escape. You try to save yourself even though it's too late and you can't be saved anymore. and it feels like somebody is taking your air to breathe.

 _I run and run but I'm not getting anywhere. Memories crumble like dried flower pedals. Show me the way, please stop me, let me breathe._

And you try to scream for help even though you already know that nobody' listening. You try to clinch on the people who are familiar to you. But they let you fall.

 _My body, mind, soul know well that I am yours, this is a spell that will punish me._

 _I'm still standing here with my eyes closed, lost between the deserts and oceans._

And you're falling into a deep hole of darkness and coldness. You're not able to see the light on the surface and the hole is swallowing you deeper and deeper and it gets colder and colder.

 _This place is all winter now, it's winter in august too. How much do I have to wait, how many nights do I have to stay awake?_

But even though the winter seems endless, spring day will come and the darkness and coldness will be gone.

 _Because no darkness and no season is eternal._

And people will come into your life, who will be worth all the waiting, who will be worth all the suffering. Who will lighten up your life and bring love into it.

 _Because within this_ _pitch-black_ _darkness, you are shining so brightly_

 _My love is forever and it's all free._

And we will realize how the wish to fight will grow in us. We will learn how to get ourselves together and make our life worth living.

 _If you can't return, go straight through your mistakes and forget them all_ _._

And there will always be relapses. There will always be times when you feel like drowning and loosing yourself again. But then you won't be alone. And not being alone makes everything half as bad.

 _If you can't fly, run, together we will survive._

 _Tomorrow, keep walking, we're too young to stop  
Tomorrow, open the door, we see too much to shut the door  
When the dark night passes, a bright morning will come  
When tomorrow comes, the bright light will shine so don't worry_

Taehyung

 _It was the first fissure in the columns that had upheld my childhood which every individual must destroy before he can become himself. Such fissures and rents grow together again, heal and are forgotten. But in the most secret recesses they continue to live and bleed._

I went to the grocery store as I did nearly every day. It was a few meters away from my apartment near Seoul Station. My feet knew the way to carry me there automatically, even when my mind was off like it was nearly every day for a couple of years now. I never thought I would finally grow and become a responsible adult, have I been such a bad guy in the past. _My life is better now yet it seems like something is still missing._ _My mind is not satisfied, craving for something I can't figure out what it is_. I went into the grocery store. The same old man as every day was greeting me and I bowed down. Same procedure as always. But something was different this day. I wasn't alone. While grabbing together the stuff I needed I spotted a girl between the shelfs. She was really skinny… _too skinny_. Her hair reached till her shoulders and they were quite messy. Her backpack, in which she secretly packed stuff in the thought nobody would see her, and her clothes seemed worn out. The details of her face were so tender, she looked like a doll. She was the most beautiful girl I've ever seen…yet her face didn't show grace or light-heartedness. Her face spoke the language of pain, disappointment and fear. It was like a _Deja-vu_.

FLASHBACK

My name is Kim Taehyung and I am 22 years old. My parents kicked me out when I was only 16 because they found out I did drugs. It was only weed though and I only tried it once. I didn't like it. But they didn't care.

I became a loner on the streets. I slept in subway stations when I was able to hide from the security guards. Sometimes I also fell asleep under bridges, on park benches or in front of grocery stores. I started stealing from people. I robbed them. I felt guilty but what else could I do. I was just trying to survive.

One day when I was running away with a full bag of food I just had stolen from a grocery store, I bumped into a tall young man. He looked up and down my appearance with a thinking expression.

 **What's your name kid?** His voice was so determining that I didn't even think about not answering him.

 **Kim Taehyung ahjussi.** I stared at him in amazement. He seemed strong and dangerous but for some reason I didn't feel any fear at all. _Maybe because I didn't have anything to lose_.

The guy took me with him that day. He gave me a place to sleep, clothes and food. He gave me a life on one condition: I had to work for him. His people taught me how to be a better robber and soon I was one of the best in the business. I also met my best friend there. His name was Namjoon and we became like brothers. We loved to spray graffities together but only at abandoned areas.

I finally had a life again yet I wasn't happy a bit. I knew what I was doing was wrong. _And once again I realized... I was a prisoner in my own mind craving for freedom, something that seems so near while I'm asleep but is yet so far away while I'm awake._

I started to feel disgusted by myself. I felt like drowning in the guilt I was feeling. I started to hate myself.

 _I wish I could love myself._

But there was something else growing inside of me… _madness_. Madness was the only thing that seemed to be able to wash the bad feelings away. _You should just learn how not to give a f*** anymore Taehyung._

And so, I did. I became reckless. I didn't feel any guilt anymore and started to destroy things for fun. I liked to spray graffiti on houses or break glass windows or hit cars with a baseball bat. I finally felt freedom even though I knew it wasn't real. My mind was playing games with me but I didn't give a f*** anymore.

But soon one day changed everything. I went to the grocery store. Not for stealing. I was just hungry and wanted to eat some ramen. That was when I saw her the first time. Shoulder-long black hair, a baseball cap, nice clothes and a backpack in which she was secretly packing stuff. She was a beauty and somehow, I immediately fell in love with her. I went up to her and grabbed her backpack to pay for her stuff. She went outside and I thought she ran away but she was waiting next to the entrance. I handed her the backpack and she ripped it out of my hand furiously. She walked away and I didn't stop her.

She haunted my thoughts day and night. I was wondering what she was doing. I had to admit that I caught a crush on her even though I wasn't able to understand why.

I've met her at another store again a few days later. She tried to steal again so I decided to help her by talking to the lady on the counter so she wouldn't recognize. I met her behind the store and she smiled at me.

 **What's your name?** Her voice was high but calming.

 **Kim Taehyung.**

 **My name is Min Jihyun.**

That was the day we became partners in crime. We stole together, we broke things together and by the time the madness wasn't only growing in me anymore but also in her. The madness got us for good but we didn't care because we had each other.

 **I love you Kim Taehyung.**

 **And I love you Min Jihyun.**

It was exactly one month after we met each other and we both confessed. That night we made love like we were drugs, addicted to each other. I didn't know back then that I confounded love with the rush of adrenaline coming from my f***** up mind.

One day we decided to go out for a few drinks and have some fun. We both got completely drunk and she also did some heroine. We went to spray some graffiti because that was what we were really good at. We heard the sirens from the police cars approaching. I told her to run and she didn't hesitate to do so.

The police caught me and asked me like 1000 questions at the police station.

 **Who are your parents?**

 **Parents? I don't have them.**

I went to prison.

That was two years ago. I was imprisoned for 6 months.

 _I've never seen her again._

FLASHBACK END

I quietly went up to her, immediately grabbing her backpack which made her panic for a second and stare at me in surprise. Without giving her a further glance I went to the counter to pay for everything she tried to steal. Meanwhile I heard her rushing outside the store. I thought she tried to run away but when I went outside I saw her standing next to the entrance waiting for me. I handed her the backpack without saying anything. She harshly ripped it out of my hands and tried to walk away. I grabbed her by her arm which made her look at me in confusion. It was the first time she was looking at me. Her eyes were blue like the sea and I felt like drowning in them. It felt like I was able to see the reflection of her soul in that short glimpse I got to look directly in her eyes.

 **You don't have to live like this.** My voice was tender yet strict, looking her in the eyes with a soft expression. She looked at me with furrowed eyebrows. She didn't seem to understand my actions. It was a mystery to her.

 **What's your name**? She suddenly asked as her face grew cold again.

 **Kim Taehyung**.

 **Well, let me tell you something. You know nothing Kim Taehyung.**

With that she freed herself from my grip and walked away. And I let her.

I didn't see her at the store the next couple of days. I was lying in bed at night thinking about her, thinking about what she was doing, where she was sleeping. She haunted my mind and didn't seem to be willing to let go.

The next day I was on my way home from work. I spotted her running next to the train tracks and I decided to secretly follow her with my car. Our way brought us to a familiar area… _too familiar_. It was the area I used to hang when I was a criminal… it was a bad place. She walked in a building I well-remembered as the gang leader's head office. I didn't hesitate to get out of my car and follow her.

 **Yujin-ah. Nice to see you again. What do you have for me today?**

I immediately recognized his voice, was it the same question he used to ask me daily years ago.

 **Ahjussi mianhaeyo. I couldn't get a lot today.**

I watched her from a dark corner bowing down deeply in front of him. She was scared to death.

 **Well, you know what that means.**

He stood up from his seat walking up to her.

 **Don't touch her.**

I walked in the room leaving everybody with surprised faces. They were gasping as they recognized me. The leader froze in his movements looking at me in confusion. Then his expression changed to a dirty smile.

 **Look who we have here. It's Kim f****** Taehyung. Long time no see.**

At the mentioning of my name the girl, Yujin, turned around and looked at me with a shocked expression. Of course, she didn't know I followed her.

 **What are you doing here?**

She gave me a really annoyed look.

 **You will immediately give her free. She won't work for you anymore.** My voice was clear and strict yet calm.

 **Who do you think you are telling me what to do?** She shouted at me but I ignored her. The leader fell into laughter about her comment on my actions.

 **See TaeTae. She likes to work for me. She doesn't even have another choice. You should consider working for me again too. In the end, you will always remain the same. You are scum and you always will be. The fact that the police gave you a job as an undercover doesn't mean you have any influence here.**

I wasn't impressed by his words but she was. As she heard about my profession she stepped away a few inches. Her eyes showed fear again. I knew she didn't want to be rescued by me. But I didn't care. I'm not doing it for her. I'm doing it for my own feeling of guilt. Guilt that I wasn't any better back then and that was something I wasn't able to change anymore. _Like broken glass we can't turn back._

With courage, I walked up to her trying to grab her by the arm. Immediately the three men in the room were trying to attack me but thanks to my physical education in police school I was able to knock them out nearly instantly. I finally grabbed the girl and brought her to my car. She didn't make any noise. I guess because she was too shocked of what happened in such a short matter of time. I sat her in the passenger's seat and buckled her up. I also got into the car and locked the doors so she wouldn't be able to do funny things.

During the whole ride, she burrowed her face in her arms. I can tell she was still scared to death but it wasn't the time now to comfort her. When we arrived at home and I finished parking my car she finally looked up and outside the window. She gasped in surprise and laid her eyes on me then.

 **Aren't you taking me to the police station?**

 **No.** I simply answered while getting out of the car.

 **Get out.** I made my way to the passenger's seat and opened the door for her. She got out. She didn't seem scared anymore, she seemed curious. Curious about what was going to happen.

I brought her into my small apartment. After I came out of prison I first got a job as a warehouseman. I slept there since I wasn't able to afford an apartment. When the police offered me the job they also gave me this apartment so I was able to live like a normal person.

I went to my closet and grabbed some pants and a hoodie and gave it to her.

 **Go and take a shower.** I pointed to the bathroom and she quietly went in to do what I told her. Meanwhile I was preparing dinner.

She now sat on the other side of the table facing me. She wore my hoodie and pants which made her look like a potato but she was still the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. She quietly ate the soup I made for us. The way she enjoyed it told me she didn't have a warm meal for a long time. She suddenly stopped eating looking at me with a thinking expression.

 **Why are you doing all of this for me?**

I guess it was time to tell her now, wasn't it? I wiped my mouth and looked at her.

 **You know, a few years ago I was like you. My parents kicked me out, I had no home and I had to survive somehow. I began to steal, rob people and vandalism was my favorite thing to do. I became part of the same gang I just dragged you out from. One day I met a girl. She was like you. Stealing stuff from the grocery store. I paid for all her stuff like I did for you. We became like partners in crime. We were inseparable. One day we went out having a few drinks. We decided to go spray graffiti, have some fun. The police came and I faced them so she could run away. That's how I lost my first love.**

Her face went sad as if she felt bad for bringing such an attitude at me earlier. I wasn't mad at her. She didn't know anything about my past so how could she understand my actions.

 **Did you find her again?**

 **No. But I didn't want to. She did things without a fling of guilt. She wasn't afraid of anything, she didn't hesitate to do bad things. You reminded me of her that day you know. When we first met.**

She turned down her head in shame.

 **But there is something different about you. When I first saw you, I knew that this is not you wanting to do this. You had to do it to survive. You felt guilt and you were afraid. You are a good person. I can see that. She was not.**

She looked up at me again in surprise. I smiled at her gently… and she smiled back at me.

I guess I have a new partner in crime. And this crime was love.

Hoseok

 _With the face that resembled her son's, timeless, ageless and full of inner strength, the beautiful woman smiled with dignity. Her gaze was fulfillment, her greeting a homecoming. Silently, I stretched my hands out to her._

Your first love is the one you'll keep your whole life. Your mother is the first person in your life that you'll love unconditionally. And she is the first person that will love you unconditionally. That's at least how it's supposed to be. _But not for me…_

I am Jung Hoseok. I am 23 years old and I lived in an orphanage. When I was finally considered as an adult I was able to leave, better said I got kicked out. I didn't mind at all though. It was a horrible place. The owner was strict. We had to work all day, we got something to eat once a day and I had to share a bed with two other kids since there wasn't enough space for everyone. But at night when everybody was supposed to sleep, I did something else. I quietly made my way up to the attic and did what I loved so much, more than anything else. It was everything I had. Even though there was no music, I didn't mind. I imagined the music by myself. It was quietly playing in my ears. Sometimes the melody was soft and tender and sometimes it was passionate and strong. _I danced_. I danced with all my heart, everything I had.

I was still really young when I first got there. A little boy left behind by his mother. She left me and never told me the reason why. It would be a lie if I said it didn't affect me that much because I was too young. That's what the people working there were trying to tell me but they weren't able to tell me one thing: if it didn't affect me that much, where is this hole in my heart coming from, making me feel as empty as a hot air balloon?

I quickly made friends with the other kids my age. But as time went on, I lost more and more of them. Couples came to our house I had considered as home now. They came every once in a while, to adopt a child. With the time going on all of my friends have been taken away by those couples. They got a family. Somebody to love and somebody who loved them as they deserved it. Only I was left. Nobody wanted that boy with the cold and blank face expression. His mother left her trace on his soul and it was clear to see for everybody, yet they didn't want to admit. Nobody wanted that weird child which didn't seem to give a f*** about anything, but they didn't know better. I wasn't jealous though. I didn't think I would ever be capable of showing somebody love and neither receiving this thing called love. So I grew up in this cold and maddening house, taking care of the younger ones, not wanting them to become as empty inside as I was.

As I grew 19 I was kicked out of course. I should now be able to take care of myself. I got a job as a pizza delivery guy. I didn't get paid a lot so I was only able to afford an apartment in one of the bad areas of Seoul. It was only one room containing a bed, a small kitchen and a bathroom. It was enough though. I met a few guys around my neighborhood. They weren't one of the good ones but of course I didn't care a lot back then. All I wanted was to fill my emptiness somehow and they said they were able to help me. So I kind of made friends with them. We started to hang out nearly every day. We played games and drank alcohol and did drugs. I tried everything they had, every kind of pill and it always had different effects.

Time went on and the worst day as every year came. My birthday. The day my mother left me. That day I wasn't filled with emptiness. I was filled with sadness, disappointment and anger. I hung out with my "friends" again. They had some funny things with them again.

 **Hoseok you should try it**. Usually I didn't like to be the first one trying a new drug. But this day was different. I felt so much pain that day it was nearly unbearable. So I decided to give it a shot.

They gave me some funny looking pills. They were pretty, bright orange. Shortly after I took them my head began to feel dizzy and the world in front of me disappeared.

The next thing I saw was white walls. White walls and a white floor. I was lying there. I pushed myself up in a sitting position. The weird thing was, I didn't even question why I was there. It felt so familiar and comfortable for some reason. Suddenly two small doors opened on each side of be and the bright orange colored pills flooded the room. I didn't hesitate to pick one up and swallow it. The room started to blink in funny neon colors and a nice melody began to play in my ears. It was a happy melody.

Suddenly I felt like being released from all the pain, the madness and also the emptiness. I felt happy, wild and free. I finally felt freedom. I began to turn in circles out of happiness and I began to laugh and dance. This moment felt like going on forever but suddenly I realized why this melody was familiar. _It was the one I was listening to for hours that day_. It was the music that was playing on the carousel back then.

 _And once again I realized... I was a prisoner in my own mind craving for freedom, something that seems so near while I'm asleep like now, but is yet so far away while I'm awake._

Suddenly the scenery changed. The whole room began to light up and the colors disappeared. For some reason, everything went blank and I felt becoming sober again but something didn't disappear. It was my mood. I didn't begin to feel empty again like expected. I still felt it… the freedom.

It was the day when I realized that I didn't have to feel like this my whole life. It was my choice… _it has always been my choice_. I started to stay away from those people who were toxic for me and began to live my life how I wanted it to be. I began to go to a therapist to release myself from all the things that were still haunting me from my past. I met someone there. His name was Jimin and now we were best friends, like brothers. He had his own problems of course but it's not the time to talk about it now. As we got closer we discovered that there was more than our f***** up mind that connected us. There was something else… **dancing**. We both did it with all we had in our hearts and so we decided to rehearse together.

We found a studio that was affordable. It was small but it was enough for us. On that day, we went there for the first time and you can tell we were quite excited. We entered the room and a girl was dancing in front of the big mirror wall. Her hair was quite short, her figure was skinny and her clothes were baggy. But I still immediately recognized her. _She looked so much like her…_

FLASHBACK

It was a nice yet cold day outside in the middle of February. My mother took me to this amusement park outside of Seoul. I was only 5 years old back then. The carousel, the ferris wheel… all the attractions there were something impressing for me since I've never seen something like that before. My mom held my hand as we walked around. She usually never did that and I was happy. Happy of finally having the feeling to receive a little bit of love from her. We stood in front of the carousel now and she looked at me with a wide smile. But her eyes didn't speak the language of happiness or care.

 **Hoseok-ah. I have a surprise for you**. Her voice was tender. It sounded like it could break into pieces any moment.

I looked at her with big eyes and a wide smile appeared on my face. I was curious. _What kind of surprise will it be?_

 **Close your eyes and wait till I tell you to open them again. Can you do that for me?** She smiled at me.

I nodded my head in excitement. I didn't hesitate to cover my eyes with my hands and started to wait. I wasn't able to see anything so I let my mind show me pretty things. I thought about the horses on the carousel, how nice it would be to ride one. I thought about the ferris wheel, how nice the view must be sitting on the top, watching the endless horizon. I waited and waited for my mother's voice to appear, telling me that I should open my eyes again. I felt like waiting for hours… _but she never came._

I lost track of time, still covering my eyes. Suddenly somebody plucked on my sleeve and spoke to me. I felt happy thinking that my mother had finally came back. But as I opened my eyes, disappointment grew inside of me and my smile fell down. There was an old man standing in front of me.

 **Kid what are you doing here alone? I've been watching you for hours standing here with covered eyes. We are closing now.**

It was the owner of the carousel speaking to me with a strict voice.

 **I'm waiting for eomma, ahjussi.**

He looked at me with a thinking expression.

 **What's your name kid?**

 **Jung Hoseok.**

 **Well, let me tell you something Jung Hoseok. Your mother won't come back.**

I didn't understand. What did he mean, she wouldn't come back? She just told me to wait for her. As I realized that it was already dark I thought about the ahjussi's words. Maybe he was right.

The old man took me with him that day. He brought me to the police station. They wanted to know my name since they were trying to find my mother. Turned out that there was no person named _Jung Sanha_ fitting her age and living place.

 **Ahjussi?**

The police officer looked at me with annoyed eyes.

 **What orphan?**

 **I have a sister…**

They brought me to an orphanage.

That was 18 years ago.

 _I've never found her._ And I started to hate myself for not being able to protect her. This thought haunted me for all my life and I was disappointed in myself so much.

 _I wish I could love myself._

FLASHBACK END

I looked into her eyes that reflected so many of my mother's features and she stared into mine.

 **Seomi-ah.** I was only whispering, not being able to believe in my own eyes.

 **Hoseok-ah.** She said in the same voice as mine. Our mothers voice.

 _She looked so much like her… I finally found my sister._

We broke down at the same time and fell in each other's arms. We cried our eyes out and I finally felt how the still missing puzzle piece in my heart was finally where it belonged.

She told me that mother had left her at the supermarket. She told her that she should wait at the counter because she forgot something. _But she never came back_. My sister was only 3 years old back then. They took her to an orphanage. Another one than mine of course. She was lucky. A family adopted her soon after she got there. She was trying to find me but there were too many boys having the same name and age as me.

We started to spend every day with each other dancing or visiting her family, which was also happy to meet me and they immediately took me up in their family. Jimin and my sister also became really close. I didn't mind because I knew that he was a good guy and I couldn't think of anybody more suitable for my sister than him. I was as happy as never before but I still felt this little emptiness in my heart. _My life is better now yet it seems like something is still missing._ _My mind is not satisfied, craving for something I can't figure out what it is._

Jimin and I started to do busking performances in Hongdae to do a little fundraising. We could use the money well. One day after our performance I've seen her for the first time. Long hazelnut hair, worn out baggy clothes and a skinny figure, yet she was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen in my whole life. I immediately fell in love with her, how she moved her body to the rhythm of the music, with the grace she put into her movements and how she closed her eyes while feeling the song with her whole body.

I went up to her. I couldn't resist. I looked into her eyes and I let out a small gasp out of surprise. _Her eyes looked so much like my mother's_. They were brown with small yellow details but there was something different. Her eyes weren't as empty as my mother's. They were full of strength, curiosity and hope. I started a conversation with her and asked if I could walk her home. Her smile fell at this sentence.

 **What's your name?** Her voice was suddenly cold.

 **Jung Hoseok.**

 **Well, let me tell you something. You know nothing Jung Hoseok.**

With that she turned around, grabbed her backpack and walked away. I let her. The realization suddenly hit me. _She didn't have a home_. She was just like me but her life was so much worse than mine has ever been.

A couple of days went by but I was just not able to cancel her out of my mind. She was haunting my thoughts all day and I didn't quite understand why I started to get those feelings towards her, a person I didn't even know at all.

Suddenly I saw raindrops falling down outside and the rain grew really heavy in only a few minutes. Without hesitation, I grabbed my jacket and ran outside my apartment. My legs carried me to the place I talked to her the first time and there she was. She was the only person there since everybody stayed at home because of the heavy rain. She was sitting there, the rain was falling on her without any mercy and she only wore a hoodie. I could tell from far away that the was freezing and shivering. I ran up to her, kneeling down in front of her to look into her beautiful face. Her lips were blue and her eyes kept staring to the ground as if she didn't even recognize my presence. I put my jacket around her and carried her piggyback and ran to my home as fast as I could. She wouldn't be able to fight the cold a lot longer, I was sure about that. I also wasn't able to take her to a hospital since I was sure she didn't have insurance.

As we arrived at home I told her to change clothes while I was giving her some of mine. I also turned on the shower for her but she didn't move. It seemed like she was in some kind of shock.

I started to undress her and she didn't mind at all. Of course, I didn't touch her or even look at her. I would never bring disgrace to this precious girl. She was so vulnerable. I put her into the shower and she started to move by herself again so I decided to leave her alone. I made some ramen for us. I guess she didn't eat for quite a long time.

When she came out of the bathroom with my clothes on her I was mesmerized once again. The water was still dripping from her long hair that seemed a lot darker now and her cheeks were puffy and red from the hot water. She sat down on the other side of the small kitchen table and looked at me with a confused expression.

 **Why are you doing this for me Hoseok**?

I sighed and put down my chopsticks.

 **You know we have some things in common. My mother left me when I was 5. I grew up in an orphanage without any perspectives for my future. I was on my own my whole life. I also had a sister… I never found her till only a few weeks ago. The same thing happened to her. You remind me a bit of her you know. She also loves to dance and you have the same eyes. I wasn't able to protect her back then and I hate myself for that. But I am able to protect you and that's what I'm going to do.**

She looked at me with a stunned expression. I made her speechless I guess. Suddenly I saw a small tear running down her cheek. I raised my hand and wiped away the tear, my hand remaining on her cheek as I looked into her eyes. And I could see that she also had those feelings I had for her. Feelings which were so ridiculous since we didn't even know each other but which also were so real and pure.

That night the two of us slept in my bed together. She cuddled up to me like I was her anchor while she was afraid to be swept away by the waves. And I didn't intend to ever let her go.

As I found out later her name was Gidae… what means _hope_. And that's what she was to me.

Yoongi

 _There are numerous ways in which god can make us lonely and lead us back to ourselves. This was the way it dealt with me at that time._

Your first love. It's the most pure, innocent and real love in your whole life. You receive it unconditionally, limitless and it truly comes from the deepest of your heart. It's parental love… love that I've never received. Yet I still had the experience of first love, unconditionally, limitless and from the deepest of my heart. The only love I've ever had. And the only thing that loved me. _Music_.

My name is Min Yoongi. I am 24 years old and I was born into a rich family. I had everything you could imagine, everything you could ever wish for. I had money, I was popular, I was good-looking. But there was something that I unfortunately was never able to buy with money… _it was my parent's love._

Every child is craving for attention somehow because they wanted their parents to show them love. I didn't seek for attention because I knew from the beginning on that no matter how many things I would get from them, love wouldn't be one of those. But I've found myself another love. It has always been there, standing in the corner of our ridiculously big living room. A big brown piano. _The corners of the house of my youth, a brown piano taking up space on one side._

Nobody ever played it. I almost thought it wouldn't even work, that it was just a dummy for decoration. _I remember that time, the brown piano was so much taller than me, when it led me, I longed for you when I turned my face up to you, when I stroked you with one small finger._

But as soon as I grew tall enough to sit on the stool, I figured out that it was working really well. I remembered the first time I pushed one of the keys down like it was only yesterday. I was mesmerized by the sound as I never heard anything like that before. It had such a beautiful sonority and I could feel how my heart slowly started to be filled with something called love.

I was only 4 years old when I started to teach myself how to play the piano. My parents didn't mind me touching the precious instrument but they also didn't mind getting me a teacher. Because as I already knew back then, they didn't care at all.

As time went on I grew up falling in love with music more and more. I started to write my own songs and I wanted to become a professional. Little did I know that even though my parents never cared about me, they still cared about my education and what I was going to do for a living later.

 **You still wear our name and you're in charge of not ruining our reputation.** That was what they told me when I asked why they suddenly showed so much interest in my life. Of course, how could I even think that they cared because of something else. I didn't mind at all though. I started to become careless as they were all those years. I decided just not to give a f*** anymore. I started to skip school, I got some tattoos, started to smoke and to play my songs on the streets.

One day of course my parents found out. They found out about everything and they gave me a choice: either I finished school, go to university and become a lawyer or a business man and be part of this family, or I had to leave and never come back. I looked them straight in the eyes, hoping to find a fling of something called love. But I didn't, _and I didn't care at all_.

 **I'll leave.**

I turned around and walked away without facing them again. I went to my room and packed my stuff. As I wasn't stupid, I also grabbed my bankbooks that my parents made for me a long time ago. Back then I thought it was their way to show me love. Later I figured out that they only did it as a kind of insurance since if something ever happened to their company, the bank wouldn't be allowed to touch the money that officially belonged to me. I packed everything and went downstairs. My parents stood next to the entrance.

 **Goodbye son** they said.

 **Goodbye** I said as I walked outside. But I didn't say it to them. I said it to the only thing I loved all my live. The love I had to leave behind in this cold-hearted house. That was the night that broke my heart for good. The night I lost it. My first love. _Even if I go, don't worry because you'll do well on your own._

I've found myself a nice apartment in Gangnam. I had enough money to buy everything I wanted, everything I needed. But still I felt my heart, that was filled with love for so many years, to change. The love grew smaller and smaller and soon there was nearly nothing left. I still made my own music though but it couldn't compete with the feeling of playing those sweet tunes on my piano. I knew that I would never be able to play it again. And it made me sick. _And once again I realized... I was a prisoner in my own mind craving for freedom, something that seems so near while I'm asleep but is yet so far away while I'm awake. Would I be different, if I had chosen a different path, if I had stopped and looked back?_

Years passed by and I had some good and some bad days. I was walking in the streets of Sinchon since I decided to get a new tattoo. It was a nice day outside and the wind blew through my hair. Suddenly a melody came to my ears and I stopped walking. The melody was familiar… _too familiar_. It was the same melody I heard that night. _It was me playing it that night_. I continued walking and soon a girl on a park bench appeared in my view. She was tenderly plucking the strings on her guitar. _The same melody_ … As I got closer, her figure also became clearer and I knew immediately who she was. _It was her_. Suddenly I stood in front of her making her look up to me. And once again I saw in those grey eyes. The eyes of my first love that was not made of wood and nacre.

FLASHBACK

I left home nearly three years ago now. It was the beginning of autumn. It always got worse that time of the year. Once again, I felt this coldness in my heart. I felt numb. I felt like I wasn't capable of feeling anything. And I didn't like it at all. _My life is better now yet it seems like something is still missing._ _My mind is not satisfied, craving for something I can't figure out what it is._

I had no feelings at all. I didn't have anything nor did I love anything. If I at least would be able to love myself. _I wish I could love myself._

I walked around the empty side streets of Gangnam. It was 2am on a weekday and nobody was outside anymore in this area. As I smoked my cigarette I passed by some fancy coffee shops, some brand stores and suddenly I found myself standing in front of a music store. That was when I saw it again for the first time since I left home. _My first love_. The piano was standing in the middle of this small shop. Graceful and beautiful as ever.

 _The corners of my memory, a brown piano taking up space on one side._

I spotted a stone big enough to break the glasses. My legs automatically carried me to the spot and my hands picked it up without me even realizing what I was doing. I suddenly heard a loud crash and I realized that it was me, throwing the stone to break the glass. The alarm went off but I didn't care. I opened to door from the inside now and went in. I kneeled down on the floor in front of the piano to check if it was really mine. I carefully stroke over the wood and smiled as I felt it.

 **Y.**

It was still there. It was really mine. _My first love._

As my hands went further I felt something else and my face went blank in surprise. I looked at the spot where my hand was laying.

 **K.**

What was that supposed to mean?

I sat down on the familiar stool and began to press the familiar keys again and it felt like I never stopped doing it. I felt my heart filling up with happiness and love again. And I played _the same melody_ … the same melody I used to play every day. _The first melody I played on my first love._

 _When I met you again I was 24 years old, I awkwardly caressed you again for a moment, even though I was gone for a long time you received me again without any repulsion._

Suddenly I felt how somebody sat next down to me. I was a little bit frightened at first of course but I immediately calmed down when I saw that it was only a girl. She was probably my age or younger. Her hair was long and dark brown. She was quite short and bangs were falling into her squishy face. She was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

 **Who are you?**

 **K.**

She started to play along with me. _The same melody._

Finally, she looked at me. Her eyes were grey and I've never seen something comparable before.

 **I suppose you are Y. It wasn't only your first love you know.** She looked at the keys again and continued playing.

 **How would you know?**

 **I just felt it. I recognized that you brought the same feelings towards this piano as I did. So I knew that you must be Y.**

 **What's your name?**

 **Park Kingee.**

 **Well, let me tell you something. You know nothing Park Kingee.**

I stopped playing and looked at her. Nobody in this world would ever know how I felt like while playing this piano. The love I felt for this instrument was uncomfortable to anything else in this world. She also stopped.

 **We should go now you know. The police will be here soon.**

Suddenly I heard somebody whistling. Whistling _the same melody_. And I ran. I ran towards the direction I imagined hearing it coming from.

 **Wait!**

She ran after me and after a couple of meters the noise disappeared. I stopped. I lost it.

I stood there in trance. What a weird evening, wasn't it?

Suddenly I felt someone pushing me off the street. A car raced by and nearly hit me. But she was there to save me. I laid on the floor. I was quite shocked. She was on top of me.

 **Are you okay?** I nodded. I got on my feet again also helping her up. I thanked her and we went back to the store. But we weren't ready for the scenery that appeared in front of us. The car crashed into the store and the piano caught fire. _My first love. Our first love_. And again I heard this melody.

I turned around to see her reaction but she wasn't standing next to me anymore... she was gone. Disappeared. Was it just imagination? Also there was nobody in the car… Was that just imagination too?

Turned out that she bought the piano from my parents soon after I left. She loved it as much as I did but she got into financial trouble so she had to sell it again. She came everyday just to see it and to make sure that nobody else would buy it.

FLASHBACK END

 **Y.** She looked at me with an astounded expression.

 **K.** I replied holding my poker face.

 **I got to show you something.** I reached out for her hand and she took mine immediately so I could pull her up.

We walked next to each other in silence. Everybody was busy with their own thoughts.

 **What's your name?** She suddenly asked me. It was actually kind of weird how she saved my life the other day, yet I wasn't even able to tell her my name.

 **Min Yoongi.**

She nodded and we made our way to my apartment. It was a longer ride on the subway though but she didn't ask any questions. It seemed like she trusted me for some reason and god knew why.

I lead her into the living room and there it was. In the middle of the room, more beautiful than it has ever been. _My first love. Our first love._

 **Just how…** Her eyes grew big at the view. She slowly walked towards the instrument and gently stroke over the surface. Her eyes glistened like she has never been this happy before. And that was the moment when I realized that she was right. Our feelings towards this piano were the same. But for me it wasn't about the piano anymore. Somehow it seemed that all my love went another way, to another place. And that was her.

 **It was damaged really bad after the incident. But I went to the store the next day and told the owner that I wanted to buy it. He said I could have it for free since he already wanted to throw it away because he couldn't sell it anymore. I gave him 10 Million Won so he would be able to renovate his store. I found somebody who managed to save it. It's still there.**

She made a confused expression. _What was still there?_

I went up to her and went down on my knees as I slowly searched for the spot on the wood, not letting my eyes go of hers.

 **Y. and K.** I whispered.

 **It's mine again… and yours.**

She suddenly broke down in tears and fell down on her knees, in my embrace.

That day we spent the whole night playing the same melody on our first love. And so we did many nights afterwards.

As we had a short break I wanted to calm my cravings for nicotine and grabbed the pack of my cigarettes and put one between my lips. As I wanted to grab the lighter she was faster. She grabbed the white lighter and held a black pen. She wrote something on my lighter.

 **Y. K.**

I looked at her with a blank expression while she smiled at me happily.

 **Now it's ours. And I'm sorry but you can't use it now because I need it.**

My lips parted and the cigarette fell to the floor. This girl was no joke. She walked to her guitar and calmly began to play again. Suddenly she held up a lollipop. And I smiled.

And that was how my first love brought my real first love to me. Real, innocent and pure. Unconditionally, limitless and from the deepest of our hearts.

Jungkook

The realms of day and night. Two different worlds coming from two opposite poles mingled during this time.

I was a boy filled with so many feelings that it was overwhelming, that it took over my whole body. It was so overwhelming that I had no idea how to deal with it. Nobody was there to tell me. Nobody was there to teach me. Nobody was there to receive what I was able to give. The fifteen-year-old me who didn't have anything. The world was so big and I was so small. This empty me who had no scent of his own.

My name is Jeon Jungkook and I am 20 years old. I grew up as the child of business people. They loved me… I at least thought they did. Our house was nice and big but so empty… so empty most of the time. My parents had to travel around because of their jobs a lot. At first, I had some babysitters but as soon as I grew old enough to take care of myself they left me all alone. In this cold and empty house. I was only seven years old back then. It was so big yet I still got the feeling it was crushing… and I guess it kind of drove me insane.

I had no friends at that time. People at school used to say that I was weird. I didn't quite understand though. Was I weird because I wasn't interested in shooter games, playing soccer or looking through dirty magazines with naked women on each page? I didn't mind at all though. They never saw the chaos inside of me yet they decided to judge me. If they would see the real me, they would call me much more than weird probably.

I was okay with staying by myself, that's what I was used to, that's what I could deal with. It was only me. But even my alone self was too much to bare sometimes. Sometimes I felt so full that I was afraid to burst and sometimes I felt so empty that I barely was able to believe I was alive. My mind started to feel uncomfortable with the situation. It began to tell me that something was wrong, that I should change things. But how should I know how to change things when I've never experienced anything else before?

I started to get nightmares. If I only would have been able to understand. It was always the same thing. It was me standing in front of 7 doors, not knowing which one to take to escape. I didn't even understand if the purpose was to escape. Then the sunlight flooded the room and I got a glimpse of my own shadow. The shadow showed myself and I had those beautiful wings I wish I could have in real life. And then I've seen this winged creature… like a bird but bigger and more beautiful. It flew higher and higher until I was unable to see it anymore. Somehow this dream brought so much pain into my heart and again I just didn't understand. Those were the moments where I felt so overwhelmed. Because it's darkest at dawn right before the sun rises. And hours later I felt this emptiness again.

I started to draw pictures. I thought I would get better if I tried to express my feelings on paper. I used to draw immediately after I woke up from my nightmares. Sometimes I drew birds, sometimes it was the portrait of people I've actually never seen before. But no matter how much pictures I drew. The nightmares didn't disappear. _And once again I realized... I was a prisoner in my own mind craving for freedom, something that seems so near while I'm asleep but is yet so far away while I'm awake._ Or was it the other way around? I wasn't that sure anymore.

I became older and older but nothing inside of me changed. I still felt like this little boy full of everything and nothing at the same time. Like two different poles. I was sick of those nightmares haunting me every day. As soon as I grew old enough I decided to go to a bar and get drunk. I thought it was worth a shot, maybe it would help me. It didn't help at all. The only thing it did to me was that I started to like this feeling of dizziness and numbness. And then I realized it wasn't really that different from when I was sober. It didn't feel funny at all. Little did I know that this night would change everything for me….

Hours later I went out of the bar to make my way home. I was staggering around, bumping into guys who threatened me to beat me up. I didn't care. I didn't have a lot to lose, did I? The familiar street I had to cross came near. Little did I know I wouldn't make it to the other side…

That was nearly 2 years ago. I walked through the streets appreciating the warm day and the nice weather. I was on my way to campus. As soon as I got out of the clinic I decided to study arts and music. I happily walked to my classroom for abstract arts today. I wanted to be early to get a nice spot so I didn't expect anybody else being there already. But when I entered the room there was a girl standing in front of one of the easels.

I thought I would never see her again. But there she was, standing right in front of me.

FLASHBACK

I didn't mind looking left and right before taking my first step on the not so busy road. I took another step and suddenly I saw those lights and heard those typical noises that I somehow didn't recognize before but were already too near. And then it hit me… I don't remember a lot. Just this shocked voice.

 **Dude. Hey, please wake up. Please don't die.** I felt hands touching me, slapping my cheek. Then everything went black.

When I woke up I only saw white. Was this heaven? My head ached as if I got hit by a truck… and I remembered. I looked around the unfamiliar room. Everything was so… white. I tried to sit but then I realized something else… my legs. I couldn't feel them. Suddenly the door opened and a guy entered the room. His hair was brownish and he had a lollipop in his mouth. He was probably my age or a bit older. His face seemed so familiar… and then I realized that I drew him. His face was appearing brightly on one of my canvas.

He told me that it was him who found me that night. Min Yoongi was his name and he lived next to the bar. He explained what was wrong with my legs. He told me that I'll probably never be able to walk again… it was actually impossible he said. He came nearly every day and played music to me. We sang, played the guitar and we made our own songs. We became friends… like brothers. He was my hyung now. He also told me his story and suddenly I realized how I began to feel something when he told me about him. I felt happy, sad, relieved and angry but for the first time in my life I felt it one after the other… and not all at once. He told me everything, he trusted me. Because I would be the only person that would be able to relate he said. And he cried… and I felt something die inside myself when my hyung was sad. When my hyung was hurt it hurt more than when I was. Brother let's cry, cry. I don't know sadness but I just want to cry with you.

Although I sat in a wheelchair, I felt a lot better now. The clinic was a nice place and I was surrounded by so many people. It felt so amazing with the silence gone. _My life is better now yet it seems like something is still missing._ _My mind is not satisfied, craving for something I can't figure out what it is_

I was fine during the days. But at night when the darkness came I felt the full- and emptiness coming back. Both at the same time and I already hated it so much. I hated myself so much.

I wish I could love myself.

It got better every day though. I still had the same dream but something had changed. There was a door less since I met Yoongi. Usually people would be deadly unhappy to sit in a wheelchair. But this thing was able to give me something I wasn't able to experience my whole life. I slowly went through the corridor watching the doctors and the patients. A smile appeared on my face and I closed my eyes. And I pushed faster…and faster. I felt like a bird, calmly flying around being free. That was what this wheelchair gave me…wings.

I opened my eyes again and my smile fell. There was a girl standing in front of me with her arm stretched out to stop me. I immediately slowed down and came to a stop right in front of her. I looked at her with curiosity. She still had her arm stretched out waiting for me to take it. And so I did, looking her straight in those beautiful brown eyes and suddenly it hit me. I've seen her in my dreams. She was this mesmerizing creature… with the wings.

 **What's your name?** I asked. She carried an infusion stand.

 **Lee San Ha.** She still held my hand.

 **I am Jeon Jungkook**. Her strong face expression captivated me somehow. She looked so weak but her eyes told me that she clearly was not.

 **Nice to meet you small boy. We should spend some time with each other.**

 **So why are you here?**

 **I'm ill.** Ill? What kind of illness? Was it bad?

 **Well, at least you can walk, right?** I didn't really think about what I was saying at that point to be honest.

 **Well, let me tell you something. You know nothing Jeon Jungkook.**

I didn't mean it that way though, and she knew it. We spent every day with each other. She read some books to me and I sang her some songs. I fell in love with her so fast. I finally had somebody to give all my feelings to and she gladly received them. She was such a strong girl that carried no sadness in her, even though her illness was really bad. She was on the waiting list for a new kidney. And I prayed every single day that she would finally get one. We both had a new reason to fight. We had each other now. I worked so hard on my rehabilitation that the doctors said I would be crazy. It wouldn't help anyway, they said. But I didn't care, someday it had to work. It must work.

And the day came. I woke up in the morning and I suddenly was able to feel my toes again. The doctors talked about a miracle and Yoongi said that I must have done some Dr. Strange stuff. From that time on I got better really quickly and soon I was able to walk with crutches. I proudly showed myself to Sanha and she was cheering happily. We sat outside, it was a nice day in spring and the weather was already pretty warm. There was a girl with a guitar playing to the patients. The guitar seemed really familiar and there was something hanging from the handle. Y. K. … that must be Yoongi's girlfriend. What was she doing here? I didn't see Yoongi for a couple of days actually. When she was done playing I walked up to her to ask about him but as soon as I approached her she began to speak.

 **He needs you Jungkook**. She looked at me with a sad expression and walked away and left me behind kind of shocked. I should have known that something was wrong when he didn't visit me for so long. I slowly went back to Sanha.

 **I got to tell you something.** She suddenly whispered and looked me deeply in the eyes.

 **Sure.** I was nervous. Does she want to confess too? No Jungkook, don't be ridiculous.

 **They found a donator for me. I'll get a new kidney in three days.**

My eyes went really big.

 **Oh my gosh Sanha. That's incredible news!**

I threw away the crutches and hugged her tightly. She smelled like vanilla, cinnamon and freedom and I never wanted to let go again.

I called Yoongi the same day because I was worried to death. He was okay, it was just a bad phase again. He started to visit me again and I cried with him when he needed me too.

The day of her surgery came and I was more nervous than ever. What if something went wrong? Losing her would destroy me. The surgery went by but the doctors told me that I wouldn't be allowed to see her until the next evening. I worked even harder the last few days so I could be able to normally walk to her room after her surgery. I planned everything carefully. I got a small bouquet of flowers that she told me she liked so much and I wore normal clothes. And I was walking… on my own feet.

I got to her room and knocked but nobody answered. I carefully opened the door and went in. The desk, the shelfs and the bed was blank and there was no Sanha to be seen. She left… She was gone…

FLASHBACK END

 **Sanha…**

She quickly turned around by the mentioning of her name and looked at me shocked.

 **Jungkook**. She whispered and soon I saw tears running down her cheeks.

 **I thought I would never see you again**. She ran up to me and literally jumped into my arms. Even though I didn't know why she left back then, I wasn't able to resist her warm embrace. I slowly also wrapped my arms around her body and placed my chin on top of her head while she quietly cried into my chest. Hear small sobs broke my heart into pieces. I couldn't bear seeing her cry. I wanted to take away her pain so badly. _The you who is crying, I want to cry instead._

 **Why did you leave back then without saying anything?**

She stopped sobbing and pushed me away to look into my eyes.

 **They had to bring me to another hospital quickly because something went wrong during the surgery and they didn't have a specialist. So they brought me to another clinic while I was still in narcosis. I am so sorry…**

From that they on we spent each single day with each other again. And we fell in love again, not that I ever stopped loving her. It felt so amazing having somebody to feel with. And I wasn't so full of myself anymore because now she was full of me and I was full of her.

 _I developed feelings, I became myself._

 _Because you made me begin._

Namjoon

 _A loud mixture of horrendous, intriguing, frightful, mysterious things including slaughter houses and prisons, drunkards and screeching fishwives, calving cows, horses sinking to their death, tales of robberies, murders and suicides._

I was free. I've always been. Everybody's aiming for freedom but I can tell… it's such a boring thing. So pointless, I'm living pointless, without a purpose. Some days are so beautiful, faking the imagination that things could get better by only the existence of light. But I knew it wasn't real, _so I just stand with the darkness I'm used to_. And there is only one thing I want. I want to be free from freedom.

My name is Kim Namjoon and I am 23 years old. My parents died in a car accident when I was 16. Old enough to take care of myself, that's what the police said. I didn't have anything or anybody else. My grandparents all died longer ago and I also had no other relatives. I was all alone and I didn't have anything. So I lived on the streets fighting against the death that was aiming for me. I used to sleep under bridges, inside coffee shops till they kicked me out, or I was just staying awake all night watching the stars. One day a guy found me and told me that he was able to help me. He clearly looked like trouble and I knew that he was one of those men who lived lawless. He brought me to one of the shady areas in Seoul. He gave me a place to sleep and something to eat. I only had to do some dirty work for him tough. I didn't mind at all. I didn't have anything to lose anyways and I thought that the adrenaline kick would give me some kind of satisfaction. I also thought the darkness and shadiness suited me well. It felt like a reflection of how I felt inside. I started dealing with drugs for him. I never took them by myself though since I didn't want to get my mind blown up and confused. I also met another guy that was nearly my age there. His name was Kim Taehyung and we had more in common than we thought at first. We quickly became best friends, like brothers. We did everything together, took care of each other. But somehow, we weren't able to protect each other from what was slowly growing inside of us… We ended up having trouble with the police a couple of times but our boss always bought us free, so it was kind of fun for us. We loved to play around knowing pretty well that there was nothing being able to harm us. We didn't know back then, that the worst was yet to come.

The area was still kind of safe since the police didn't come there a lot since they were too afraid to get killed. Gang members were peacefully walking on the streets with their guns in their pockets. We ruled the streets. Our boss had a lot more power than the police and they knew that. I had a nice life. Money, girls and my brother. The other members paid me respect. But somehow, I wasn't happy at all. _My life is better now yet it seems like something is still missing._ _My mind is not satisfied, craving for something I can't figure out what it is._ It was one of those days when I really didn't like myself. _Some days I just really hate myself. I wish I could love myself._

Months went by and the drugs I sold became more attractive to me every day as I felt lost more and more. Taehyung got into prison one day for good and I started to feel worse. And I felt guilty. I felt guilty that I wasn't able to protect him from her. That I wasn't there to grab his hand and run that night. The FBI was on him so our boss didn't want to get involved anymore. I felt like a mess. I didn't only lose my brother, I also started to lose my mind. My other mates told me I should try some drugs since it would help me to feel better. So I did. I didn't have anything to lose anyways right? It didn't want to do it with the others though. One day I was all alone in my room and I decided to finally try some cocaine. I carefully drew a line with the white powder and clumsily sucked in. Soon everything started to feel dizzy and my vision became blurry. The next thing I saw was this narrow room. It was full of mirrors. I carefully stood up and walked up to the wall to see my own reflection. Suddenly there was a low voice speaking to me.

 **What do you see in the mirror right now?**

I stared at my own reflection. My hands wandered to my face, stroking over my cheeks, my lips, my forehead. I calmly stared into my own eyes but it felt like they belonged to someone else. I saw so many expressions, so many feelings that I usually knew how to keep for myself. I slowly answered the voice.

 **I see pain, I see happiness, I see anger, I see fear, I see freedom but I also see a grid clenching around me, becoming smaller and smaller. I see myself in many ways.**

 **I am my own anxiety and my own happiness.**

It became silent and for a moment it felt like the world was standing still. Suddenly I heard a loud noise as the mirrors burst into pieces and left me behind in the darkness with only the voice speaking to me.

 **It's your choice Namjoon.**

I looked to the ground and there was a small paper lying next to my feet. I slowly bend down to pick it up. It was a drawing of a bird. It was beautiful.

 _And once again I realized... I was a prisoner in my own mind craving for freedom, something that seems so near while I'm asleep but is yet so far away while I'm awake._ Craving for real freedom, not the one I already had but the one I wanted to feel. I didn't want to be free, I wanted to feel free, free like a bird.

That night will be kept forever in my memory, not because I liked the effect of the cocaine so much, but because it was the night I received the message to realize that I had to change something. And it also was the night where I took my tattoo machine once again and perpetuated this beautiful bird on my left forearm. I used to go to Ttukseom a lot that time. It was the only place that freed me from all the fear and anger and made it possible for me to seriously think. And I guess this piece of nature was always healing me a bit more every time I got there. It was like my safe zone.

I just got home from my part-time job at the gas station. I didn't need it because of money but I liked to have a flinch of normality in my life. A reason to get up in the morning. It was a quite special day though. It was kind of boring at first, like always. But suddenly there was this guy with his big black van just staring outside the front window. He just stared at something in the air but I wasn't able to see anything there. So I just decided to knock on his window. And when I looked into his eyes I saw the same expression I knew too well from myself. His name was Kim Seokjin.

I walked inside my room with a lollipop in my mouth. I walked up to the only shelf I owned. There was a frame with a picture on it. It was the only picture I owned with the only person on earth that I was able to call my hyung. The only person I would ever give my life for. He left the neighborhood not long ago after he came out of prison and goddamn he was so right. Taehyung. I wonder what he was doing. I was kind of jealous. He made it out of this hell. I remember those nights when we just went to Seoul Station where the empty trains were kept during the night. We were so careless that it was almost dumb. We used to spray some graffiti nearly every day and I got to admit, it was probably the best time of my whole life.

Next to the picture I spotted something else. A black hair tie… I remember this girl with the pain in her eyes. Not that I ever forgot about her. No, she was on my mind nearly all the time.

FLASHBACK

It was a nice day outside and I was on my way to Ttukseom. It was my safe zone kind of. The place that helped me to escape from everything just for a short capture of time. I loved to walk next to the Han-Gang, watching my own reflection in the water, breathing in the fresh air and listening to the birds chanting their songs. It felt like nothing in the world could get on me.

After spending a few ours there to take off my mind I walked to the station to go back. It was still early evening and the sun was still shining brightly. And that was when I saw her. She was standing there hastily trying to hand over all the flyers to strangers as fast as possible. She wore the simplest clothes, her hair was tied back and she didn't have any make-up on, yet she was the most beautiful girl I've ever seen. Something about her was different. She seemed so pure and innocent but also strong. I was licking on my lollipop while watching her from afar.

She didn't seem happy and I didn't understand. I carefully looked at her face and realized it was the same expression I knew so well from myself. She felt lost…without any purpose. Even though she had a job she felt lost, felt like drowning. She did a good job though, she was politer than some people would deserve.

Suddenly when a guy declined her offer all the paper pieces fell to the ground. I didn't hesitate to run up to her and help her collect all the flyers she had dropped. I handed her the flyers and smiled at her awkwardly, I guess I didn't know how to smile anymore after all this time I didn't do it. She finally took them and thanked me with the exact same phrase she told all the other people. I finally looked into her eyes and my face froze. They were the same as the ones I've seen that night. The same as the ones when I looked into the mirror, my own reflection, my own eyes. I quickly gathered myself again and coughed slightly.

 **It's hard, right?** I asked to start a conversation. What a dumb question.

She looked up and down my appearance and her face got a slight touch of anger and sadness. I wore expensive clothes and my tattoos were showing. She must think I was some kind of rich kid. You could say I was. The boss paid me well for my job.

 **What's your name?** She suddenly asked looking into my eyes again.

 **Kim Namjoon.**

 **Well, let me tell you something. You know nothing Kim Namjoon.**

With that she quickly walked away and left me behind, standing there like a complete loser. I never met a girl that rejected me like that. Maybe that was because I usually pay them.

I looked to the ground and spotted something interesting. It was a simple black hair tie but I exactly knew who it belonged to. I took it and put it into my pocket. I guess I had a duty to fulfill now.

FLASHBACK END

I was on my way to Ttukseom as always when I felt so lost. But today I didn't feel lost. Today I had a goal to reach. I carried the hair tie in my right pocket. I went outside the station where I've seen her for the first time distributing the flyers but to my surprise, she wasn't there.

I let my gaze travel around the scene. I was kind of confused since I thought she would be here every day. I already wanted to give up and just go home but suddenly I spotted her from behind walking to the bus. I quickly followed her and got on the bus after her. She didn't see me sitting down a row behind her. I sat there for a long time thinking about the right words to say. I just didn't know how to start a conversation. As I was still thinking about how to talk to her the bus stopped and she suddenly got off. I quickly followed her. I didn't even know where exactly I was but that didn't matter to me at that moment. She was walking away. I had to do something right now.

 **Wait!**

She jumped at my voice and turned around to look at me with a surprised expression.

 **You. What are you doing here?**

 **I have something that belongs to you.** I slowly walked up to her and reached into my right pocket to pull out the hair tie. I held it in front of her face and looked into her eyes. She gasped

 **You followed me all the way here just to give me this back?** She looked at me confused.

 **Well, I didn't have anything else to do.** I said smirking at her. And she also started to smile at me.

 **Thank you Namjoon. I am Jeon Jihee.**

She lost her hair tie and so she became my new purpose. I had to give it back to her. Other people would say it's just a hair tie, right? But for me it was something else. I wanted to show her that she was not alone. That we were kind of the same in the end. _That she was my reflection. And I was hers._

Jimin

 _My parent's house made up one realm. This realm was familiar to me in almost every way. Mother and father, love and strictness, model behavior and school._

Back then my world was small. Do you know those people who say: _you can't know better if you've never seen anything else?_ You know what I mean? Well I've never seen anything else, I've never seen the world, I've never breathed in fresh air, I've never seen foreigners, I've never went to play outside. And I was totally fine with it. Because I thought that was normal, because I didn't know that there was anything else. I thought that it was just my small little world, that there was nothing else. What I didn't know was that I was caught in a lie.

My name is Park Jimin and I am 22 years old. I was the only child in my family. My parents were strict, but can you call it strictness when there's nothing funny you could do anyways? I never doubted their love for me though. I just didn't know better back then…

Everything I knew was the inside of our small house next to the woods where I lived with only my parents. It was filled with the scent of pinecones and resin. The walls were white and the windows were small. They told me to never go outside because it was too dangerous, because I could die out there. One time I asked what was waiting out there. They told me that there was nothing else, that everything I could see when I was looking outside the window was everything existing. There was nothing else. And I believed them, I trusted them. How should I've known better? So, I stayed inside my whole life. Not knowing anything about the real world outside. I grew up becoming a weak and sad adult. I didn't know what was wrong with me. I didn't know why this huge pain and sadness was growing inside of me. All I wanted was to run, run away to the end of the world even if it was yet so close, I just wanted to get rid of this pain. I wanted to scream. I wanted to shout at somebody. I wanted to punch somebody. I wanted to say how horrible I felt but I couldn't. _It's endless even if you try to run, I've fallen into a lie._

Every day in the evening when my parents allowed me to spend time alone they expected me to be in my room. But there was nothing in my room. No TV, no books, no games, no piano. I didn't even know the meaning of those words back then. I went to the bathroom. I somehow found my way to get rid of those self-destructive feelings. This way was simply to make myself not feeling anything at all, becoming numb. So I filled the bath tub with ice cold water. I let myself sink into it never even minding about taking off my clothes. I was just lying in there, for hours just being numb, just not feeling anything at all. And I liked it. Why did I like it so much? _And once again I realized... I was a prisoner in my own mind craving for freedom, something that seems so near while I'm asleep but is yet so far away while I'm awake._ In the end I was always lying on the ground leaning on the bath tub, with my whole body shaking and silently crying as I felt all the pain slowly coming back.

One day changed everything tough. It was still early morning and my parents were teaching me maths. I never understood why I should learn all of this though but I never asked. I was glad to have something to do. Suddenly there were a couple of people in dark blue uniforms storming into our house. I was totally shocked since I didn't know that there were other people in this world. I just watched them with my mouth wide open and my eyes big as they put handcuffs on my parents and took them with them. There was a tall man with a white cloak approaching me. I had to admit that I've never been so scared my whole life.

 **Who are you?** I asked him while hastily trying to hide myself behind our couch. He looked at me with concerned eyes.

 **I'm a doctor and I will help you Jimin.** His voice somehow calmed be a bit and I didn't try to hide anymore. He reached for my hand and after a few seconds of fighting with myself I gave in and took it.

 _A doctor? What the hell was a doctor?_

He brought me outside and sat me into a weird vehicle. He drove off and it scared me to death. My whole body was shivering but I wasn't able to speak a word. The strange man brought me far away and I saw lights and buildings appearing on the horizon. More and more, higher and higher buildings were coming closer and closer. _What is this place?_

 **This is Seoul. It's the capital.**

 **Seoul? Capital? Capital of what?** I looked at him with a confused expression.

 **Of our country. Korea. And Seoul is the biggest city.**

I was totally shook. For all those years how were they able to keep this from me? Why did they keep me from all this? Seoul… it was beautiful.

The doctor brought me to a so-called clinic. There were people giving me a room to sleep, food to eat and they told me about this world that was so new to me. They showed me phones, TVs, hair dryers but also the simplest things like plastic bottles, flowers, jeans.

I wasn't used to this and I felt like all those people were overwhelming me with all those new things. They were laughing behind my back, saying that I was crazy and it broke me at some point. Maybe I was? How would I know? Everything was too big, too loud, just too much. I suddenly realized that I was not capable of dealing with more than the environment of this small house where I was imprisoned for so many years. So I just started to build my own prison inside myself, my own body. I just wanted somebody to understand me.

 _Please show me the path, please stop me, please let me breathe. I'm trapped inside of myself and I'm dead._

It took me pretty long to adjust to all those new things I've never seen before my whole life. I still wasn't comfortable with a lot of stuff but I was pretty sure that it would get better. I also found a friend in the clinic. His name was Hoseok and he also had to deal with some serious issues but now wasn't the time to talk about it. He made the world so much brighter for me, not only with his sunny personality and shining smile but also with something else. Something that people called _music_ … it was the most amazing thing I've ever experienced and I immediately fell in love with it. When he suddenly stood up and moved to the beat I was totally amazed. I wanted to do it too so he started to teach me. I loved how dancing took away all the pain and suddenly I felt something weird… I felt happy. Turned out that I was a born dancer.

A couple of months later I was used to the world which was, how I knew now, so much bigger than I had ever expected when I came out of this hell. I found a small apartment near Hoseok's and we hung out together all the time. We thought it wouldn't be a good idea to leave to other one alone. So we met nearly every day and we did what we could do best. Dance. I was happy but there was still something inside of me telling me that I was not. _My life is better now yet it seems like something is still missing._ _My mind is not satisfied, craving for something I can't figure out what it is._

I was just still not able to let go of my own small world I had built inside myself, in my mind. I felt so insecure, looking for protection.

It was a Saturday night and I was at the practice room again. Hoseok left at like 1am but I wanted to stay. I was giving everything into my dancing. It was like I never wanted anything so much like this before. I wanted to be able to stand by her side, moving with her in sync. I gave my everything and I felt the feeling of freedom growing inside of me. I felt my sadness becoming happiness and my anger becoming passion. It felt like I would free myself from my own body and escape into a weightless condition. I did the last steps and a smile appeared on my face. It was the first time I was able to do it without making any mistakes. I wanted to get my towel which I left on the floor next to the entrance. I turned around but suddenly she was standing in front of me. The girl that caused all of this. The reason why I'm starting to become someone else. _Seomi._

FLASHBACK

Hoseok was the first friend I ever had. How lucky I was that we shared our passion that was dancing. One day we went to this studio we wanted to rent for rehearsals. Little did I know that this day would change my life forever. We went inside and a girl was dancing in front of the mirror. Her hair was quite short and black, her lips were red and her eyes were big and sparkling. She was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. And I'm not only saying that because I haven't seen much in my life but she really made me speechless and I never wanted to touch somebody else, to look at somebody else, to be with somebody else more than her at that moment. I wanted her. And I wanted her to feel the same towards me. I wanted her to want me. _Want me. The one who is lost and astray._

It turned out that it was Hoseok's sister. He had been looking for her all his life and they were so glad they had each other again. So I didn't want to reveal that I had a crush on her. They were so busy with each other that I would only have been the third wheel anyway. I always watched them practicing together and I became jealous. Jealous because I thought I would never be as good as Hoseok. I would never be good enough for her. That realization hit me when I watched them dancing and laughing together and I realized how much pain and self-hatred was still inside of me. I wanted to be as happy as they were, I wanted to love life, love myself. _I wish I could love myself._

Anyways, one day there was this really heavy rain. It started so suddenly that I wasn't even able to close the windows before the water could get in. And then I remembered something. Seomi once told me that she's doing busking performances every Saturday evening near the river. There was no shelter and I was pretty sure she didn't bring an umbrella. So I jumped out of my bed, took the one umbrella that was peacefully standing in the corner of my corridor and ran outside. I ran as fast as I could and in the end, it took me only 15 minutes to get there. And she was still dancing there. Was she crazy?

 **Seomi-ah! What are you still doing here?** She flinched as she heard my voice and turned around to face me.

 **Jimin? Why are you here?** She look at me with astounded eyes.

 **I came to get you. You'll catch a cold out here, it's pouring.**

I quickly took of my jacket which was still dry and put it around her shoulders. Then I laid my arm around her shoulder to pull her closer and keep her warm. The umbrella wasn't really big so I ended up pretty wet when we arrived at her home.

 **Why were you still dancing when I arrived?**

 **I don't know. I just didn't feel like stopping.**

 **You are such a good dancer. I bet you've had dancing lessons all your life, right?**

She looked at me with a sad expression and she suddenly became a bit angry.

 **Let me tell you something. You know nothing Park Jimin. Thank you anyways, but now you'll catch a cold.**

 **That doesn't matter. I'll be fine.**

She took off my jacket she was still wearing and put it on my shoulders. She smiled at me one last time and disappeared into the house.

FLASHBACK END

 **Seomi…** Why was she coming here at this time?

 **Jimin. What are you doing here?** She smiled and took off her jacket

 **I was practicing because… I wanted to be able to dance with you someday.** Her smile froze and she looked at me with a curious expression.

 **Why?**

 **Because I've never seen something so beautiful before. And I wanted to have it too.** I looked to the floor because I didn't was to see her reaction. She slightly chuckled what made me look up again.

She slowly went up to me, took my hands and dragged me into the middle of the room. She took the remote control and started the music again. She did all that without stopping to look into my eyes.

We started to dance. It was like we haven't done anything else all our lives. It was like we were made to dance with each other. Our movements and bodies were in perfect sync and I never felt so happy before.

She made all my dark thoughts disappear with just being with me. And she wanted me. _The one who was lost and astray_. And she spoke the truth with everything she had. And she freed me from this hell.

Jin

 _The bird fights its way out of the egg. The egg is the world. Who would be born must first destroy a world. The bird flies to God. That god's name is Abraxas._

Abraxas was the symbol of the highest urine, the source of the five elemental forces spirit, word, prevision, wisdom and power. He gave us mortal people the world as an environment to live. But I stopped seeing a purpose in all of this a long time ago. All I wanted to do was to be like this bird flying to god. _Maybe I, I can never fly. Like the flower petals over there. I can't become like those with wings._

On the other hand, I didn't want to give up. _I want to stay, I want to dream a little more, But still, It is time to leave. I want to struggle and fight._ But I didn't have a dream.

My name is Kim Seokjin and I am 25 years old. I grew up in a very religious family. They left me after that one incident because they wanted me to pay for my sins. And this whole house, old, empty and cold, became like my personal hell, making me overpay for my sins like a hundred times. I never left it since that happened. It was dead inside. It nearly seemed like nobody has been living there for a couple of years with the dust growing bigger in the corners and the windows never opened for fresh air. Everything was just… empty, lifeless. There was only one single white flower, standing in the middle of the table. I took care of it as if it carried my whole security, my whole life. Because besides this flower, there was no life anymore in this house. I went outside only once a month when I had to do my groceries. I felt insecure outside, not safe enough. Not that I felt it was too dangerous for me outside. No… _I was the danger._

Today I had to get gas for the car my family left for me. I went to the gas station and expected the same old guy who was working there ever since I could remember. But he wasn't there. There was a guy, probably my age or younger. He didn't work there when I came there the last time which was probably six months ago. I stopped at a free space and suddenly I've seen this bird flying by. It was big and black and so beautiful. Was I dreaming? Did my mind play tricks on me again? I watched it flying higher and higher until it disappeared. Suddenly somebody knocked at the glass of my window and I flinched. I looked at him and let down the window.

 **Everything alright mate?** I only nodded and he looked at me not sure what to do. He was quite tall and had blond hair. There was a lollipop in the corner of his mouth and he held it's stick with one had while he eyed me up.

 **Get out.**

 **What?** Why the hell did he want me to get out? Oh my gosh maybe he was a burglar and he wanted to steal my car.

 **Get out.** His determining voice made me opening the door and getting out.

He didn't steal my car. He brought me inside and he bought me a coffee. We started to talk. He told me his story, everything from his birth on until now.

 **Why are you telling me all of this?**

 **Because I see how similar we are. I see this helpless expression in your eyes. I have the same one.**

He became my one and only friend. Like my brother. And we suffered together and laughed together. But we both were not able to help each other out of our messes. My mess? I'll tell you about it.

 _I am just walking and walking in this darkness  
Happy times asked me  
If I am really okay_

 _I answered, no I am very frightened  
But I tightly hold six flowers  
And I'm only walking_

I just got my driving license that day. The day it happened. I was driving through Seoul with music playing silently as I was humming along. It was one of those few moments when I didn't have any fears, when I was just peaceful with myself and I finally felt like a normal and healthy person. I was calmly driving, nodding my head to the music when it happened. It came so suddenly that I had no chance to dodge. I stepped in the brakes and just stared outside on the street. I wasn't able to feel my body. I was in complete shock. People were screaming and running to the lifeless body that was lying in front of my car. So much blood everywhere… The boy was only 15 years old… and I had killed him, ended his so short life in only one second. The police said it wasn't actually my fault though, he just jumped in front of my car out of nowhere. But that didn't alleviate the guilt I was feeling. When I came home that day my precious white flower was dry and dead. There were only six petals lying on the cold floor. _The boy was the flower and the petals were everything left from him._

I've never been the same since then. I was left alone with all of the fears that started to grow in me, the depressions. Nobody was there to help me, to tell me that everything will be fine. I felt so empty and so tired. I felt so tired most of the time. I just wanted to sleep all day and never wake up. I wanted to sleep peacefully so I wasn't able to feel the pain. But my problems didn't want to let go of me, they also haunted me in my sleep. I started to get nightmares… one nightmare actually and it was the same every day. The scene where I hit this boy with my car repeated itself in my head every night. But the person changed every day. Sometimes it was members of my family, sometimes it was other boys I didn't even know and sometimes it was a girl that I've never seen before but it still hurt so much as if I loved her. _And once again I realized... I was a prisoner in my own mind craving for freedom, something that seems so far away while I'm asleep but is also so far away while I'm awake._

And I suddenly realized that this had to end somehow. I didn't want to sleep anymore, be tired anymore, dream anymore. _I was caught in my dreams. I wasn't able to differentiate imagination from reality anymore. All I wanted was to be awake._

Hanging out with Namjoon helped a lot though but I still had those nightmares and it seemed like I would never be able to get rid of them.

 _My life is better now yet it seems like something is still missing._ _My mind is not satisfied, craving for something I can't figure out what it is._ And I still hated myself so much for what happened back then. I wish I could love myself.

Little did I know that something else would change my life completely and unexpectedly.

Lee Eunji. **There must be a way to find her contact number somewhere** I thought as I was staring at the red book. It was time to finally leave this goddamn house after all those years and find this girl. At least I had a task now that would free me from my dark thoughts at least for a short matter of time. I went to the city hall but as I expected there were way too many Lee Eunji's living in Seoul. Suddenly I remembered something. I ran back home and grabbed the red journal that was still lying on my nightstand. I remembered reading something about working in a flower store. I was hastily running through the pages. There it was _Garden Eden._ I googled for a phone number and didn't hesitate to call. I nervously held the phone next to my ear while I was waiting for somebody to pick up.

 **Garden Eden. How may I help you?**

 **Hello. Is there a Lee Eunji working at your store?**

 **Oh yes Sir. Wait I second, I will call her for you.**

FLASHBACK

I was walking outside. It was a nice day during spring. I haven't been outside for quite a while. Funny how I forgot how fresh air feels like in my lungs, how good the scent of grass smells, how comforting the shining sun feels on my skin. I was peacefully walking near Seoul Station and I made my way to pass the tracks. I had to wait though because a train was coming. And that was when I saw her for the first time. Her hair was hazelnut brown and had a ginger glimmer in the sun. She was carrying a few books and she wore a nice blouse and a jeans skirt. She was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. She seemed to be in a hurry. As soon as the barriers opened again, she hastily walked across the tracks and her hair was flying in the wind like the feathers of wings. I stared at her in amazement and only came back to reality when I heard something hitting the ground. She dropped her red journal. I picked it up but she was already gone.

I didn't really know what to do so I just opened the book to see if there was an address. But there was only a name.

 _Lee Eunji._

Her handwriting was soft and peppy. It was as beautiful as she was herself. As I read further I suddenly noticed that this was not only a journal. It was a diary. It was something I wasn't supposed to read. Inconclusively I just decided to go home again and think about a solution. When I arrived at home I felt this hypnotizing feeling coming back. It was like this house was cursing a spell on me. It felt like it was swallowing me. All those wallpapers whose templates I already knew too well, the floors that were revealing the dust of the past through the sun shining through the windows. And I fell back in my state of oppression, not knowing anymore if I was dreaming or if all of this was reality.

I was lying in my bed staring at the ceiling. I wanted to count the stains but there were none. It was just blank and white. Without even controlling my movements I suddenly held the diary in my hands and opened it and started to read. I knew that it was wrong. But I just wanted to escape from myself somehow. And I did as I was reading her daily stories. I read about her feelings, her problems, her fears and it broke my heart. And I realized that I wasn't the only person that was f****** up. There were so many people outside with so many different types of issues. And it was time to stand up and fight them. And the first step I wanted to take was to find her.

FLASHBACK END

 **Lee Eunji?** I asked hesitantly while I spoke through my phone.

 **Yes, who is this?** Her voice was exactly like I imagined it. Sweet and light and tender.

 **I found your diary and I want to give it back to you.**

We spoke for a little while and arranged a date so I could give her the diary back. I was excited as never before. I was standing in front of my mirror for hours because I wasn't able to decide what to wear. I ended up wearing simple black jeans and a white shirt. I looked handsome but I was nervous.

It was already 8pm and I was waiting in front of the small café where we wanted to meet. I spotted her from afar as she was walking on the other side of the street coming closer. She was so beautiful. As she was exactly at the other side of the street, I smiled and waved at her and she smiled and waved back. She started to walk on the street, she didn't see the lights coming. But I did.

 **Eunji-ah! Watch out!**

She backed away to the safe zone and the car drove by in clearly more than allowed speed. She gathered herself quickly and crossed the street once again, safe and sound. She smiled at me again as she approached me and it made my heart beat faster.

 **Thank you for taking care of my journal. It means a lot to me.**

 **I know.** I looked at her with an understanding and compassionate expression. Her smile froze and turned into an angry expression.

 **You read it, didn't you?**

 **I did. I know how you are feeling. And what it means to be…** She cut me in my sentence.

 **No. What's your name?**

 **Kim Seokjin.**

 **Let me tell you something. You know nothing Kim Seokjin.**

She ripped the diary out of my hands and ran away. I didn't want to let her go but I was too shocked to act. So I just stood there and went home after a while.

I was back in my state of imagination for a few days already when suddenly a really weird noise went through the whole house. It was a really high tone and it came again and again. What was that? Was I completely insane now? After a few minutes, the realization hit me. _It was the doorbell_. Somebody rang the doorbell. I ran to the door and swung it open and the view that appeared in front of me made me totally speechless. It was her. _Was I dreaming again?_ I had to. This couldn't be real.

It was Eunji standing right in front of me. Tears were running down her cheeks and she looked at me with a compassionate face. I just stared at her. I wasn't able to move or even speak. Suddenly she threw herself into my arms and hugged me tightly. It let out a gasp when her body hit mine. I've never felt something like this before. I never felt somebody else's touch, somebody else's embrace. I slowly wrapped my arms around her.

 **Please tell me that this is no dream.** I carefully caressed her head, afraid that she could decay to dust any moment. Afraid that all of this was only imagination.

 **No. You're wide awake.**

Back then, when I had finished reading her diary I decided to add something. My own story. So I filled the empty pages of the journal with my feelings, my problems, my fears. I wanted to share all of this with her. I wanted to show her that she was not alone. But I also wanted to show myself that I was not alone. And we weren't alone anymore.

From that day on I felt so awake like never before. I didn't feel tired anymore. I didn't confound imagination with reality anymore. I didn't have nightmares anymore, I had dreams.

 _We cried a lot and laughed a lot but it was so beautiful._

 _Epilogue_

 **Some moments become more vivid with the passage of time. Yesterday's many encounters and goodbyes have existed for this moment. Every alley and crossroad that I've walked through were all meant to lead me to this very place. That kind of moment is what I mean.**

 **The sound of cicadas that chirped like flowers ended in an instant. In the abrupt silence, I realize life's immense beauty. Just the fact that you are in it makes all the difference. Even if this were a dream, this is where I choose to be.**

 **Why is that the happiest of moments usher in sudden fear?**

 **Looking back, I had known all along, that underneath the glittering world before my eyes lay my deception, that everything was to collapse with a breath of wind. I turned, sidestepped, I simply closed my eyes, afraid I was, afraid to be loved for who I am.**

 **If we could turn back the clock, where should we go back to? Once we reach that place, can all of our mistakes and errors be undone? Will happiness be ours to stay?**

 **Though many seasons pass, there are places that cannot be reached, yet another storm to be faced and to be weathered head-on, loving without fear, hesitating and parting, merely living as the person that I am.**

I guess it was destiny that brought us together. We were like a puzzle. Alone we were lost but together we were complete. Everybody had something the other one was missing and so we found our complementarians, our missing puzzle pieces. And even though we never thought that there was some kind of cure for our illnesses, we were healed in the end. We found the cure. This cure was called friendship.

 _Thank you for letting me be me.  
For helping me fly.  
For giving me wings._

And we found something more than friendship. We found what everybody in this world was aiming for. And in the end, we were the lucky ones. Because not everybody is able to find it. And no matter what would happen to us in the future. It was okay because we were not alone.

 _I was just one of those people  
Didn't even believe in true love._

 _As long as I'm with you in the end as well, I'm okay._

 _In our past lives and probably in our next too.  
We are together eternally._

Love changes you. Nothing will be as it was before. You will become another person because now you care for someone else. And this person's happiness is your highest priority.

 _The whole universe is different from yesterday.  
Just from your happiness._

 _Even though I haven't seen my limits.  
But if it exists, it's probably you._

And with all that friendship and love we grew stronger. We grew wiser. We became fearless. Bulletproof

 _I'm not afraid.  
Because I believe in myself.  
Because I'm different from before._

 _It's not important that it's a dream or a reality.  
Only the fact that you're by my side._


End file.
